Archive for September, 2010

Redneck Phonecall

Posted: September 27, 2010 in Uncategorized

Here’s a video I made using audio from a wrong number message that was left on my answering machine.  I don’t know who this guy was looking for, but he was Waaaaay off.

 

Remember this guy?

Remember back when we couldn’t imagine how someone like this could say the things that he did?  Remember how horribly over-the-top and grotesquely ugly his statements seemed back then?

They don’t sound quite as horribly bizarre and alien anymore, now do they?  Sure, his statements still shock and astound anyone with a semi level head.  But they don’t seem quite so crazy anymore.  Not like they used to.

This country has been desensitized.  The insane ravings of hate cults have found their way into the mainstream national dialog.  Beamed, broadcast, and reinforced on every available conservative news channel and radio station, and given undo credence by every other form of media in the nation.

I just wanted to remind everyone how far we’ve come in our ability to tolerate insanity in our daily brainwashing.

A reality check, if you will.

It is late summer, early fall, in the year 2010, and crazy isn’t quite as crazy as it was a year ago.  That makes me a very sad panda.

A Discordian Dream In A Minor

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Uncategorized

I dreamed my wife and I were going to pick up my son from a friend’s house and we ended up taking a wrong turn.

We found ourselves at the end of a street in a predominantly redneck neighborhood.

Moustache_Fat_Troll_Woman-3 As we were trying to turn around, a woman jumped out of a battered and rusty Monte Carlo with a baby on her hip, and ran up to the driver’s window of the car.  Three runny-nosed toddlers and a large mustached woman with rollers in her hair watched intently from within the car.

Redneck woman: What the hell do you think you’re doin’?

My wife:  I’m sorry.  We’re just trying to turn around.

Redneck woman:  Aw, hell naw!  I know what you’re doin’.  You may think you’re being all sneaky an’ shit, but I’m on to you and you ain’t gettin’ MY man!  Ricky don’t want you, and that’s that.  Ricky’s My man!  So back off, bitch!

My wife was shocked and speechless, but I had an idea.

So I summoned up a persona that could only be described as an embodiment of Nathan Lane’s character in The Birdcage if he was on a Maury Povich “who’s the baby-daddy?” special.

I patted my wife’s hand and said “Hold on there darlin’” and then turned my attention to the redneck woman at my wife’s window.

Moosehammer (full head swivel and z-snap in effect):  Now look here, honey!  There’s only one kind of nectar that Ricky wants, and sadly you just weren’t born with the right kind of flower to give him what he needs.

Redneck woman:  Whart tha hell are you talking about?

Moosehammer:  That’s right, little lady!  There’s only one piece of ass in this county that Ricky wants, and it’s sitting right here in this seat.  So you can take your little “queen-of-the-double-wides” ass and get it the hell up outta my girlfriend’s window, skank!

Redneck woman:  Now look here!  This ain’t over with.

Dumbfuzzled and jaw-dropped, the redneck woman stumbled back into her car and slammed door.

My wife quickly turned the car around and we drove off.

My wife:  What the hell just happened, and who the fuck is Ricky?  That was some shit!

Moosehammer:  Yeah, tell me about it.  Not only is Ricky a cheatin’-assed bastard, but evidently he’s gay now too.

My wife:  Well, at least he’s come out of the closet.  He’ll be much happier now that he isn’t living a lie.

Moosehammer:  Yeah I know, right?  Ha ha ha!

Feast Of Famine

Posted: September 20, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

I’m experimenting with some videos now.  This is the second one I’ve ever made.

Hopefully I’ll have more coming as the year goes by.

Some of you may be familiar with the children’s show, Wonder Pets.  What many of you probably don’t know is there is a secret agenda, held by the makers of Wonder Pets, to brainwash our children into becoming bleeding heart Libtards!

WonderPets For those of you who aren’t familiar with this show, here’s a quick description:  A duck, a turtle, and a guinea pig live in a school classroom.  Each episode features these three cute little Wonder Pets saving some sort of animal from distress with the use of “teamwork”.  Sounds innocent enough, doesn’t it?

WELL IT ISN’T!!!!!

What many parents, and so many innocent children don’t understand is this show is designed to indoctrinate children into the socialist liberal mindset.  Throughout each show, children are bombarded with songs about “teamwork”.  Over and over again, the idea that “teamwork” will solve all of life’s problems is driven into the viewer’s subconscious.  Anyone with half a brain knows that “teamwork” is a code word for Socialism.

This ongoing theme of “teamwork” and cooperation is the liberals’ way of undermining the principles of self-reliance that real Americans live by.  It’s nothing more than a clever ploy to steer America’s children away from handguns, Jesus, and bootstraps, and into a sin-filled, steamy, den of tofu, solar panels, and homosexual sex!!!!  But it gets much worse.  Much, much, worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every episode of Wonder Pets glorifies saving animals from dangerous situations.  You’d think Al Gore himself wrote this drivel!  Let’s face it, the last thing any animals ever need is saving.  They do just fine on their own, without anyone worrying about them.  If God wanted animals to be protected, he just make more of them or make them stronger or something like that.

The next thing you know, this show will have the Wonder Pets saving “endangered” sea turtles from an oil spill.  GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!  If you think this militant environmentalist propaganda is disgusting, just wait until you see the characters.

Ming-Ming, the duck character, wears a Japanese WWII fighter helmet and goggles.  Can you believe it?  These evil Marxists are openly mocking America by glorifying the attack on Pearl Harbor right in front of our faces!  Not only that, but they are desensitizing our children to the thought of dead Americans.  Why?  Because all liberals hate America!

THIS HAS TO STOP, AMERICA!!!  THIS HAS TO STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SEWIOUS 

Tuck, the turtle character, wears a white FRENCH sailor’s cap.  Can you believe this?!  These Marxists want our children to grow up to be like a bunch of limp-wristed FRENCHMEN!  Well, I’m sorry you Libtards, but the only fries my kids eat are FREEDOM FRIES!!@!  You won’t see any conservatives surrendering, and running for cover.  We’d rather die instead!  I’ll say this to all you Wonder Pet hippie types out there:  Just be glad we came unarmed…THIS TIME!!!!

TURTLE 

I’m not even going to go into what’s wrong with the guinea pig character.  It’s just too horrible!  All I can say is, if you don’t know what’s wrong with that PIG!, then you’re not a REAL AMERICAN!  I’ll give you a two word though.  MICHAEL MOORE!!!  Yeah, I think you can see what I’m getting at.

The fact is the Nazi, liberal, elite out of Hollywood will stop at nothing to Indoctrinate our children into blind subservience to the Athiest Libtard God that is Obama and The Devil.  There’s no refudiating that fact.

Don’t let your children watch this show.  Let them watch CBN or Fox News instead, so they can learn how to become real Americans and live their lives in God’s grace.  Don’t let them fall victim to the cynical mindset set forth by the liberal agenda.  Keep their outlook open to the spirit of our Lord.  Teach them to be positive and humble like Glenn Beck or Pat Robertson.

To learn more about how the Commie Socialist Liberal Agenda is destroying our country with a terrorist sympathizer movie called Machete, Click Here.

 

*NOTE:  This blog entry is satire.  I know it’s pretty obvious, but you’d be surprised at the amount of people on the net who can’t sense sarcasm or satire.

So first Terry Jones was all like “I’m gonna burn some Korans and get fifteen minutes of fame with all the Tea Partiers that hate Mooslims!”

As seen here.

Not the cool Terry Jones.  The Asshole Terry Jones.

What a cool Terry Jones looks like:

terry_jones2

What an asshole Terry Jones looks like:

 koran2

But then the Tea Partiers where all like “Sorry dude, you’re on your own, but thanks for making us look halfway sane in comparison.”

It looks like Palin decided to hire a speech writer.

But then The Westboro Baptist Church was all like “Nuh-uh!  No fair!  We burned a Koran a couple years ago and no one cared.  You can’t steal our schtick!”

Click here for more Westboro butthurt.

Now that Terry Jones has realized he’s not going to be an overnight sensation with “Real America”, he’s starting to get second thoughts.  It seems there’s a possibility that he won’t be burning Korans after all.

But don’t worry, dear readers, we’ll still have our chance to show the world how hateful and intolerant “Real Americans” can be.  Westboro Baptist church is now threatening to burn Korans if Terry Jones accidentally gets a lick of sense in his head.

Click here for the story.

It looks like being a total asshole is the new fast-track to celebrity status.  Reality shows and drunken award show interruptions don’t hold a flame to out-American-ing each other.  Its worked for Palin and Beck.  They’re raking in tons of cash, and all it took was appealing to the derpiest assholes in America.

$225 per ticket adds up real fast.

I really hate to say this, but it looks like things are going to continue to get worse.  The hate fires stoked by the right wing fringe have gotten out of control.  Beckenstein’s monster has broken its chains and is now out-assholing its creator.

Palin and Beck are now trying to reign in the tone of their rhetoric.  But “Real America” is going to need their fear and hate fix.  Sooner or later, new hategods will come to the forefront and give the public all the excuses they need.  Unless Beck and Palin can out-asshole the Caribou Barbies and Chalkboard Kens waiting in the ranks, they’ll be replaced.  Rupert Murdoch and his buddy Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal will see to that.

I can’t wait to see how “Real America” out-assholes itself in the coming months.  Hold onto your seats, America.  It’s bound to be one helluva shitstorm.

shitstorm

So if they burn piles of the Koran on the upcoming anniversary of 911, and no one gets blown up by Muslim extremists, will they still fear/hate Muslims?  If no one reacts violently, will they still see all Muslims as Godless evildoers?  Would a lack of violent retaliation change any minds?

Or will they keep burning larger and larger piles of books until they get the reaction they are looking for?  Will they lash out until their preconceptions are justified?

Just a side note:  We never got a straight story about what really happened on 911.  Anyone who exploits the shadowy events of that tragic day to push their own agenda is either an idiot or a total fuckwad.  That’s my opinion anyway.

Speaking of exploiting 911 for one’s personal agenda…

mission-accomplished