Archive for August, 2010

O.K.  So tomorrow is the day when Glenn Beck hijacks the calendar date and location associated with Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech, in the hopes of convincing people that he’s still politically relevant.

Evidently, whatever he has to say doesn’t hold enough importance on it’s own, so he had to staple it onto the coattails of MLK in order to get anyone to notice.

Oh…ummm…the outrage.  Hmm…this is like…um…horrible….(*weakly shaking fist at computer screen*)

Aw shit.  I’m sorry folks.  But try as I might, I really can’t convince myself to give a shit at this point.

The whole Glenn Beck (outrage anyone with a sense of humanity or sense) schtick just isn’t working on me anymore.  I keep trying to get upset over the stupid stuff he says, but nothing happens.  I can’t even stay interested long enough to skim through outrage links that people post about him anymore.  The same goes for Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and anyone else that beats political hornet nests for a living.


Seriously folks.  I think I’ve become totally desensitized.  One of these folks is going to have to personally murder someone or sodomize a goat on national television before I’ll take time out of my open and barren schedule to glance in their direction again.

I guess this makes me a failure as a progressive liberal humanitarian.

So yeah.  Anyway, a whole bunch of clueless Americans will show up and watch Beck, and I think Palin, and probably some other kindergarten drop-outs say the normal bullshit that they normally say when they’re cashing in on the derp-machine known as “Real America”.

Fox News will sponsor the whole event, pad the attendee numbers, and photoshop the crowd into something that looks halfway impressive with some plugins borrowed from Iran’s nuclear missile program.

Liberals will call for outrage and Neocons will call them racist for thinking they are racist for doing something racist and then everyone will debate over what is racist and why not call it bigotry because the word “racist” is overused, and how no one can use the term racist except the GOP because they’re the ones that have been “racisized against” (quoted from a Palin tweet posted late that afternoon), until finally, yeah yeah yeah, we all agree to hate each other and point fingers for at least two more weeks, or until such time as every Beckerhead in the country goes out and buys five to ten copies of Glenn Beck’s new book each just to prove that “Nana-nana-boo-boo! Our guy won, cause just look at how many books he’s sold in the last week. So nyah!”

Lather, rinse, repeat.  Don’t forget to be outraged, or you might fall asleep.

Somebody do something stupid!  Anything that breaks from this monotonous norm of tired bullshit masquerading as News And Politics.  I wanna watch clowns play ping-pong or blind people playing with lawn darts.  These sad, outdated, attempts at population polarization just aren’t doing the trick anymore.

So yeah, while Saturday is in full effect, and everyone’s getting their outrage on, I’ll probably be watching a movie or something, yearning for those glory days of old when the GOP’s black magic still worked on me.

I guess it’s kind of good in a way.  Once they realize these folks no longer draw the outrage they used to, they’ll have to recruit new people to replace them.  I can’t wait to see next year’s all-star lineup.  Who knows?  They might finally dig up someone that can make me give a shit again.

So some folks want to build a mosque in Chicago in an abandoned hot dog or BBQ joint.  Something like that.
City planners won’t permit it and cite taxability issues.  They say it has nothing to do with the Burlington Coat Factory Mosque that’s currently got America’s panties in a wad, or the calls by many Americans to ban the construction of any new mosques anywhere in the US.

All in all, it seems pretty cut and dried.  The city wants money and a non-taxable mosque won’t deliver.

Click Here for the article.

But then, you see the comments below the article.

The common sentiment makes itself more than clear.  While it probably doesn’t have much to do with the city’s decision (at least I hope), it sure shows the current mindset of America.

Congratulations America!  We have now managed to collectively objectify all followers of Islam to the point where we no longer view them as self-contained individuals with their own individual beliefs, dreams, and approaches to life.  We have reached the point where we see all Muslims as a homogenized mass of intolerant, barbaric, conquesting savages. (Hellbent on world domination, no less)((Boo!))

You can deny this until the cows come home, but you know it’s true.  It’s as clear as the writing in the comments.

Note:  Pay no attention to the women and children that are being killed on charges of “witchcraft” in Africa by Christians.  The same types of barbaric acts are completely different when Muslims do them.  You must ALWAYS generalize when it comes to Muslims.

So here’s what I want to know:

When will we see Muslims being attacked and openly disrespected in public by angry Americans?  What’s that you say? It’s already happening?

Example #1

Example #2

When will we see Muslim businesses and mosques firebombed by Americans who have had enough of their “barbaric ways”?  What’s that you say? It’s already happening?

Example #1

Example #2

When will we get to make all Muslims wear some sort of identification so we can keep up with them?
Armbands Perhaps?

When do we get to make all Muslims live in partitioned off areas within their communities, so we can make sure they are all accounted for?  It’s been done before.
The Warsaw Ghettos

When do we decide all Muslims should be transported to special facilities where they will be kept away from REAL Americans?  We’ve done it before.  You know how “barbaric and intolerant” those Japanese are…were…or something like that anyway.
Japanese Internment Camps

When does America decide that since the Muslim religion is so “flawed, sexist, intolerant, angry, and oppressive” the only way to deal with Muslims is to keep them detained indefinitely for the safety of the country and the world in general?
We’ve made a good start…

But we can do better.

When do Americans finally get so infuriated with Muslims that they call for a “Final Solution To The Muslim Problem”?  After all, if the entire religion is dangerously flawed, and there’s no way to peacefully coexist with an intolerant religion such as Islam, the only logical solution is Genocide.  That’s what the comments on the wall are hinting at, right?
The blueprint for our patriotic future can be found in the history books.

Let me be perfectly clear here.  I don’t give two monkey shits about Islam.  I really could give less of a damn about the Muslim faith.  The religion in itself is really as much of a non-issue to me as polka-dots on a goat’s ass.  I have no personal energy invested in the religion or even in any of it’s followers.  As far as I know, none of my friends are devout Muslims and it wouldn’t matter to me anyway.

But what DOES matter to me is this country, the constitution on which it was founded, the world as a whole, and common fucking human decency.  I refuse to quietly sit by and watch my country become some sort of fascist fourth reich.

I refuse to live in fear.  This is the home of the motherfucking brave, goddammit!  Quit hiding under the covers of fascism, America!  The boogeyman is not going to get you, and if he does, face him head on like you’ve got a set of nuts in those overpriced Tommy Hilfigers.  Don’t trade away everything you have in some sort of whimpering plea to feel secure.

You fucking cowards make me sick.  Hiding behind your generalized hate.  Raping away the rights from your fellow Americans because you’re scared.  First it was the Patriot Act.  All hail our new nanny, the surveillance state.  Warrantless wiretaps for everyone!  Then we became a nation of war criminals.  Suspension of Habeas Corpus and widespread inmate torture to keep you safe in your beds, little babies.  Waterboarding’s gonna make it all right.  And now we’re joyously ass-raping our right to religious freedom into oblivion.  As long as you hate the right groups of people, genocide will set you free!

Feel the power of the dark side flowing through you, America.  That venom-infused power will keep you safe.  Bow down before your new god, Fear!

Maybe we deserve to become the perpetuators of the next holocaust.  Maybe we deserve to lose the freedoms we so greedily steal from the most unpopular amongst us.  Maybe we deserve to live in a hate-filled shithole devoid of liberty or justice for anyone.  It’s not like we’ve done much of anything to earn this beautiful political framework that was passed down to us by our forefathers.  Believing your television, hating wholeheartedly, and swiping credit cards seems to be what passes for patriotism nowadays.

Real monsters don’t live under beds and in closets.  Real monsters live in the mirror.  Can you even feel the transformation anymore?  Or has it become second nature?  Do you lust for it?  One more night without fear.  One more shot of power to wield over those barbaric ruiners.  Making all the blame in the world melt away onto someone else.  Jekyll craves his elixir, doesn’t he, America?

You go out there and play with those matches, you spoiled little shits.  But know this: when you burn the house down, you’ll hate yourself more than any boogeyman ever could.


If the recent hub-bub over the “911 Mosque” has taught me one thing, it’s that Americans can be scared into doing anything.  After all these years of American bravado and tough-guy propaganda, it’s funny to see an entire nation shitting their drawers in fear over a prayer room in an abandoned Burlington Coat Factory building.  I guess it’s a good thing Hitler didn’t know the secret powers that mosques have over impressionable Americans.

But I digress.  This blog isn’t about mosques or the fear culture that’s been used to erode our constitution out from under us.  This blog is about using this ongoing viral mindset of “justified” religious and ethnic discrimination for something worthwhile.  I figure if the GOP is going to use this as an excuse to fan the flames of racism and hate, I’ll use this as an excuse to set a few things right.

That’s why I propose that we prohibit the construction of any new Christian churches near any of the Native American removal routes utilized in what is now known as The Trail Of Tears.

Read more about The Trail Of Tears here.

Why were these people forcefully removed from their homelands?  Well, for one thing, they had land that the government and settlers wanted.  They also had this bad habit of clinging to their culture and their traditional religions.  For some reason, some of them had a problem with donning top hats and praying to Jesus after centuries of living in freedom.

This didn’t sit well with the conquesting Christians and “Joe Beer Casks” of the day.  So what did they do?  Why, they rounded them all up and made them march a third of the way across the country, with Andrew Jackson’s blessing of course.


It should be noted that during the forced removal of various tribes via what would become generically referred to as The Trail Of Tears, over 4,000 Cherokee and over 2,500-6,000 Choctaw died.  That’s not accounting for any of the deaths suffered by other tribes or by Native Americans that were killed for resisting forced removal.

To put this into perspective, just the number of Cherokee and Choctaw people who died along The Trail Of Tears is more than double the total number of people who were killed on 911.  I’m not even going to delve into the thousands upon thousands of Native Americans that were eventually killed during the rest of America’s jihad against indigenous “heathens”.

So here we have one of the most horrific acts of evil to be perpetrated on American soil.  A tragedy too large to be contained within the confines of several states, much less a Manhattan city block.  And what would you think has become of the scene of this crime?  What fate has befallen this hollowed ground where so many fell and died at the hands of evildoers?

Why, it’s become The Bible Belt, of course.

The forcefully abandoned, and long forgotten, corpses of many proud people have been steamrolled over with WalMarts, strip malls, highways, and churches.  Yes indeed!  Oh so many churches.

Now I’m not saying that all Christians go around committing genocide on indigenous peoples.  But the people who aggressively sought to convert and break the free will of Native Americans were all Christians, and they also saw to it that they were eventually removed from their homelands.

You know, I almost fell out of my seat when I heard Christian anti “911 mosque” protesters say, “This is how them Mooslims mark their victories.  They build a mosque wherever they take over ‘cause that’s how they do things!”

I guess they don’t see anything wrong with building “Victory Temples” when it’s done by Christians though.  Otherwise we’d have to point fingers at a whole lot of crusaders and missionaries.

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not prejudice against Christians. I mean everyone’s got the freedom to worship however they see fit.  I’m just saying these Christians should show more respect for the families of the victims of The Trail Of Tears.  Setting up churches all along this “death track” is an insult to anyone, like myself, who lost ancestors on The Trail Of Tears.  They shouldn’t be allowed to rub our noses in it, I tell you!  It horribly insensitive and it just isn’t right.

I mean, look at it this way.  These people have every right to set up churches as they see fit.  It’s their right as Americans.  But there are plenty of other places they could have chosen to set up The Bible Belt.  Out of all the other states in America, why do you think they’d insist on setting up so many churches in the southeast states?

You see.  That’s their “Victory Temples”.  That’s how they sneak into your homeland and take things over.  With their churches!

Well, I say enough is enough!  We can’t be letting these…PEOPLE! build any more churches on the sacred graves of our ancestors!  Freedom of religion is one thing, but this is a matter of common decency.  This is a matter of what’s right and what is wrong.  These Christians will just have to learn they can’t be running around rubbing their religion in everyone’s faces like this.

There is a silver lining amid the “911 mosque” debate that will change the way Americans view religious freedom.  Once Muslims are successfully marginalized by this fiasco, more and more religious faiths will be forced to respect the outrage of American victims.  It won’t be hard to use the same tactics and arguments used by mosque protesters to finally reign in these conquesting Christians and their culture of hate.

I say we all join together and demand respect for those great Original Americans that died at the hand of Christian extremists.  Tell your neighbors!  Tell your Congressman!  Tell all of America!  NO MORE CHURCHES ON THE TRAIL OF TEARS!

Besides, this is America!  If they don’t like it, they can just go back to Europe, dammit!


Original post date July 18, 2009

Nov 20th, 2012

A giant asteroid hurtles toward earth.  Within one month, the earth will be destroyed unless humanity can find a way to overcome its old ways and work together to save itself.

An alien spaceship hovers nearby and monitors the earth’s radio and television broadcasts, to see if humanity has finally evolved to the point where it is worth saving from total destruction.  Media officer Squark flips on the monitor of their satellite media recorder in order to see what the earthlings are up to.

Static gives way to the picture of an earthling newscaster.


Peter Rather:  Good evening, and thank you for watching NBS news.  Tonight we bring you the latest information in regards to the earth-smashing asteroid that is now just a few short weeks away from making contact with the earth.  As you know, the X-23 summit has been in full session since the end of November, unfortunately, no resolution to the asteroid threat has yet been reached.  We go now to Tom Jenner who is with us live from outside the X-23 summit.  Tom…

Tom Jenner:  Thanks Peter.  As you know, leaders from all over the world have met here in Paris to work out a solution to what is now commonly called “The Asteroid Threat”.  Leaders have worked together over the last few weeks, but unfortunately haven’t come up with a viable solution to this grave situation.  As you can guess, tensions are running high, and many of these leaders have had to work harder than they have in their entire lives to come up with a viable solution to this all too eminent threat.

Peter Rather:  I understand there have been a few roadblocks along the way today, could you fill us in on what has transpired.

Tom Jenner:  Sure Tom.  As you know, most of the world’s nations have agreed to put considerable amounts of their countries’ resources toward destroying or redirecting the asteroid.  The general consensus is that if we can build enough nuclear warheads and launch them all simultaneously at the asteroid, we might be able to knock it off course and cause it to miss the earth entirely.  Unfortunately, several countries, including the United States have declined to sign the agreement citing there is not enough proof to verify if this asteroid will actually destroy all of humanity or not.  Currently, the United States and China are both working on a plan that will destroy the asteroid by the year 2035 and are hoping to be able to speed up this plan if their countries’ economies show a marked improvement over the next five years.  There have be….

Squsssshhhhhck!  (the channel on the monitor flips)

The President Of The United States:  My fellow Americans.  As you know, an enormous asteroid will soon hit our beloved planet earth.  Unless the people of the earth can work together to find a way to destroy this asteroid, we will all surely die.  Make no mistake, we will do everything within our power to overcome this obstacle, and we will work tirelessly until America, as well as all nations of the earth, are safe from this threat.  In the meantime, I would like to ask that you all remain strong, and send us your prayers as we work to solve this grave problem.  As you know, our ability to combat this grave threat is directly connected to the health of our economy.  So I’d like to ask all of you to buy as much stuff as possible during the next week.  Perhaps you’ve had your eye on a new house for quite some time, but haven’t had the money to actually justify buying it.  Or perhaps you could buy your eight year old a third Iphone.  I hear they’ve just released a new model that has a much more stylish touch-screen interface.  The mint has been printing money around the clock, but unfortunately, this is not enough to offset the costs of this momentous endeavor.  Anything you can buy would….


Sarah Bucketin:  Well, to begin with Charlie, you see, the game Asteroids was invented in the state of Japan, which is a bunch of socialists anyways (wink).  And well, that just doesn’t make sense that a company that made a game is going to tell us we’re under attack from something they clearly made to begin with, dontcha know.  Besides, if I lived in Hawaii, I could probably see Japan from my front porch, and I really don’t think I’d be seeing any asteroids shooting up from over there.  I think I can speak for all of Real America when I say “We don’t like Asteroids one gosh darn bit.  And we’re not about to get ourselves gotten by their getters.”  Let me tell you…..


Hush Scrotumbaugh:  My fellow Americans, if you think I’m about to buy this big asteroid fiasco, you must not know me very well.  This whole scenario is a sad attempt by the mainstream media to distract us from the real issue that affects our country right now, the secret liberal agenda.  You see folks, while we’re worrying about this asteroid and shelling out our tax dollars on the president’s “asteroid preparations”, the president, and all of his fellow crooks in Washington, are working around the clock to take away the things that make our country great.  Don’t believe me?  Well, here’s a few words for you:  affirmative action, abortion, gun control, NAFTA, socialism, illegal aliens, 911, social security, your tax dollars, and government rationed healthcare.  I think you’re smart enough to see where I’m going with this.  Uh-huh!  That’s your liberal media at work, folks!  Let’s go to a commercial break…


Phalex Jones:  You see folks, what they’re not telling you is they don’t want to blow up this asteroid to begin with.  No sir!  What they’re really doing is using this manmade asteroid as a means to enforce martial law on all of us.  Now you say “Hold up there Phalex.  You said manmade asteroid”.  Exactly!  Why don’t you think we spotted this “Asteroid” until it entered our solar system?  Well, I’ll tell you why.  It’s because it didn’t come from outside our solar system!  It was, in fact, built on a secret Mars-based, CIA, black-ops, military post.  It’s not even real folks!  It’s made out of fluoride reinforced, super light, space concrete!  Now how could they afford to do something of this magnitude?  Well, I’ll tell you.  THE JEWS!  That’s who!  Well, and the lizard men are in on it too, but that’s…


Bobby the Meatpacker:  Well, I personally don’t think we should be sending a bunch of missuls to blow somethin’ up that we can’t even see yet.  I mean, how do we really know it’s even been there.  Yeah there’s telioscopes and a bunch of doohickeys, but I’m a see it or believe it kinda guy.  I mean hell, maybe God’s gonna hit China or tha Rooshins with it anyways.  Who are we to question the work of Jesus?  I don’t want any of my tax money going towards some sort of space stuff anyways.  I didn’t like Jar-Jar Binks a bit, so that I don’t let that Star Wars stuff into my house anyways.  I’m a proud American and I’m gonna stay that way!

The monitor turns off.

Squark:  Well, Lokar, looks like we can finally write the earth off as a lost cause.

Lokar:  I told you they were hopeless.

Squark:  Yeah, call me sentimental, but I was really hoping they’d get their act together before it was too late.

Lokar:  I know, but it’s just not in the budget to keep them alive when they won’t even attempt to save themselves.  It’s easy to see that they want to die, and who are we to interfere with their free will?

The spaceship zooms away, leaving behind a doomed planet full of self-important, bickering, nincompoops, who couldn’t even work together, on a global scale, to change a light bulb.

Original post date July 13, 2009

Table turning:  The term used in the restaurant industry for processing customers as quickly as possible in order to maximize profits during peak business hours.

Turn times:  The average time it takes to turn each table in a restaurant during an hour.

Our story begins…

(MH answers a call from the district manager after lunch rush is over.)

MH:  Hello?

DM:  Hey, MH.  I’m calling to see what your table turn times are for lunch today.

(MH sighs, knowing very well that DM has already seen the numbers.)

MH:  We’re sitting at 18 minutes.

DM:  Hmmm.  Yeah, that’s just not good enough.  You know we talked about this during last week’s conference call.  18 minutes just isn’t acceptable MH.

MH:  Yeah, I know.  I’m not trying to come up with any excuses here, but we did our best today.  Most of the tables turned pretty quick, but we had some lawyers in the back that set up camp in the back of the dining room.  They stayed for about an hour and a half.  It blew our average for the day.

DM:  Why didn’t you cash them out and start a new tab for them?  You know we discussed this last week.

MH:  Well, I tried, but they felt like we were chasing them out the door and got pretty pissed.  I thought the best thing to do would be to leave them alone.  You know they’ve been coming in all week.  They may ruin our turn times, but they spend a ton of money with us.  Just their drinks add up to a lot of money.

DM:  Look MH!  I’m not looking for excuses here.  No excuses, just results!  Now if you can’t live up to the expectations we hold for all of our managers, we’ll find someone who will.  All the other managers in the district have kept their turn times well below 15 minutes.  There’s no reason why your store should be any different.  Do I make myself clear?

MH:  Yes sir.  I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll make it happen.

DM:  Alright.  Keep at it.  I expect to see some results tomorrow.  If you need any pointers, you might want to call EM at the XXXXX XXXXX store and see what he does to keep his turn times in check.  He’s one of our best, and he’s always thinking outside the box.

MH:  Alright.  I might just do that.  Thanks.

DM:  Sure.  Now get back out there and make some smiles today.

MH:  Um.  Ok

(MH hangs up and looks across the office at MA who’s snickering and flipping him the bird)

MA:  Ha ha ha!  Man, DM must have really ripped you a new one there.  You looked like you were going to chew a hole through the wall there for a minute.  What did he want?  No, let me guess.  Turn times again?

MH:  You know it.  You know this shit is pissing me off.  How in the hell are these other stores getting such short turn times?  I know good and damn well the XXXXX XXXXX store can’t possibly be running a 12 minute average.  Hell, it takes 8 minutes just to cook a damned burger.  There’s no way they can be turning them in 12 minutes.

MA:  Yeah, I know.  Someone’s bullshitting somewhere.  Either that or they’re just lying to us cause they think it’ll make us work faster.

MH:   Well, I don’t know, but I’m going to call EM and see exactly what it is they’re doing.  Something’s got to give or I’m about to go postal.  DM’s threatening my job again.  Knowing good and damned well that no one wants to transfer here in my place.  This is fuckin bullshit.

MA:  Well, hang in there man.  I gotta get back in the kitchen and see if Scott put those bakers in the oven.  Let me know what you find out.

MH:  Sure thing man.

(MA leaves the office as MH picks up the phone and calls EM)

EM:  This is EM.  Can I help you?

MH:  Hey man, this is MH over at the XXXXXX store.  How’s it going?

EM:  Pretty good man!  How you doin’?

MH:  Not to hot actually.  DM is riding my ass over turn times.  He said since you’re the master of turn times, I should call you and get some pointers.

EM:  Ha ha ha!  Man, you mean you still haven’t figured it out yet?

MH:  Hey man, I came from the kitchen.  I don’t know shit about all this floor manager bullshit.  If it was up to me, all my shifts would be in the kitchen.

EM:  No man.  Look.  It doesn’t matter where you’re from, because it’s impossible anyway.  Do you really think I run 12 minute turn times here every day?

MH:  Hell naw!  That’s just crazy.  It’s impossible.

EM:  It’s impossible to do, unless you cheat the system.  I’ve talked to everyone in our district and they’re all cheating on their ticket times.  Well, except for XXXXXXXX.  They’re so slow, they don’t have to cheat.

MH:  Well, thank God.  I thought I was going nuts.  I mean I’ve been trying everything I could think of.  Even MA doesn’t know how to get the times down, and he’s a genius on the floor.  Hell, he’s a genius everywhere for that matter.

EM:  It’s cool man.  I’ll tell you how to do it.  I think that’s what DM wanted anyway.

MH:  What?  He knows your cheating?

EM:  Yeah man.  This turn time bullshit is just something they came up with at the home office during one of their brainstorm sessions.  You see, they decided if we could keep turn times below 15 minutes, it would make a spike in profits just in time to offset the usual slump in sales this time of the year.

MH:  Aren’t they worried about pissing off customers?  Some of them get super pissed because they can tell we’re trying to chase them off.

EM: As long as it gives them “an innovative new approach” to sell to the investors, they don’t really care what happens.  The DM who’s district has the highest increase in sales and the lowest turn times gets a bonus kicker for the quarter.  You know how they operate.

MH:  Yeah I do.  Almighty dollar and all.

EM:  You know it.

MH:  O.K. So how do you do it?  What’s the trick?

EM:  It’s really simple man.  All you do is start a new table on the macros, ring up a glass of water on it.  Then you go back a minute or so later and close out the table.  Since water is free, it doesn’t screw up your sales numbers or inventory, but it will lower the average turn time.  Just do this over and over and keep checking your turn time report until it gets where you want it.  Just don’t overdo it or you’ll end up with a blatantly impossible turn time.

MH:  What?  Like 12 minutes?  Ha ha ha!

EM:  Hey now!  Don’t give me any shit.  I just gave you the keys to the kingdom.

MH:  Ha ha ha!  Thanks man.  You just saved my ass.  I’ve gotta go try this out.

EM:  Sure thing man.  Anytime.  Tell MA I said his mom’s a dirty whore.

MH:  Ha ha ha!  Will do man!  Thanks again!

(MH walks out of the office and tries out the new trick on the macros system.  It works like a charm.)

MA:  So did he tell you how he’s been breaking the laws of space and time?

MH:  Sure did!  Here let me show you.

(MH shows MA how to take perfectly believable turn times and reduce them down to the “acceptable” point of absurdity)

MA:  Damn man.  That EM is a sneaky little bastard.  God bless him.

MH:  Yeah he said your mom’s a dirty whore too.

MA:  That fucker!  I outta …..(omitted due to the fact that no one wants to hear the depraved stuff he actually said)

MH:  Damn man.  That’s some sick shit.  Funny as hell, but sick.

MA:  Thanks.  So how the hell haven’t the bigwigs caught on to this trick?

MH:  From what EM said, they already know about it.  They’re just doing the “Turn Time Initiative” as a way to build investor confidence.

MA:  So they made up some bullshit busy-work to drive us all crazy with, and when it all comes down to it, it’s totally pointless?

MH:  Yep!  Isn’t it great?  The scary thing is DM was probably going to fire me over it too.

MA:  Well, we fired Tim and Jessica over turn times last week because DM told us to weed out subpar performers.  Other than their turn times, they really didn’t suck that bad.

MH:  Yeah I know.  That was the first thing I thought of when I got off the phone.  We’ll be lucky if we make it out of this company with our souls intact.

MA:  Speak for yourself man.  I’m shooting for a spot at the home office.

MH:  Well, you’ve definitely done your time on the front lines.  If anyone deserves a shot at it, you do.

MA:  That’s what your mom said last night!  Hoowah!

MH:  Hardy-har-har!  Get back in your box, you worthless schmuck!

MA:  I love you too dear!

(The next day DM calls MH after lunch rush)

DM:  I trust you’ve got some good news for me today MH?

MH:  Yep.  We beat our sales goal.  We only had to comp a couple meals due to a slight kitchen crash.  Other than that, it was a pretty good lunch.

DM:  Don’t give me all that.  You know what I really want to know about.

MH:  Our turn time was 12 minutes today.

DM:  See?  Now what did I tell you?  EM knows what he’s talking about.  That turn time is what beat your sales goal today.  It’s just like we told you on the conference call last week.

MH:  I see.

DM:  Well, good job MH.  I knew you could do it.  You just had to apply yourself.

MH:  ……

DM:  Well, look, I’ve got to go.  I’ve got to catch a flight back to the home office. We’ve got a big investor’s meeting coming up and I’ve got to get there in time to get our materials together.

(Click. Dial tone)

MH:  I’m sure you do.

Original post date July 5, 2009

About twenty years ago, my inlaws moved into the country in the hopes of finding freedom from the dumbasses that surrounded them in the city.  One of the most enjoyable freedoms that came with living in the country was the ability to shoot fireworks on the 4th of July.  So they bought up a decent piece of land (in the middle of nowhere) and went about trying to live the American dream.

My father-in-law’s birthday falls near July 4th and he really likes fireworks, so celebrating the 4th has become a strong tradition for our family.  Each year we would go out and get a ton of saturn missile launchers, bottle rockets, and firecrackers and have a good ole time.  Each year, we would bask in the freedom that is gained from living in the middle of nowhere.

Well, that all changed about five years ago, when our psycho neighbors bought the land next to ours.  When Gollumita Neckerson and her family of Deliverance rejects moved in next door, everything changed.

For the first few years, we couldn’t shoot fireworks because Gollumita said they scared her horse.  Of course the fireworks that her family shot each year somehow didn’t bother her horse.  Then when she got rid of her horse, they brought a ton of goats in that didn’t care for our fireworks either.  Of course these goats weren’t the least bit affected by the fireworks that the Neckersons chose to shoot each year.  Those fireworks must have been magical or something because I honestly couldn’t see any difference in them.

So for the last five years, our family has had to discontinue a twenty year old tradition due to the fact that the Jerry Springer Travelling Sideshow decided to move in nextdoor to us.  I personally wanted to shoot fireworks anyway, and say “to hell with them”, but my father-in-law insisted that we respect their insanity.  So I kept my mouth shut and my fireworks unlit.

Well, this fourth of July we got some of our freedom back.  You see, my father-in-law managed to buy a portion of the Neckersons’ land that borders his land.  This gave us the ability to shoot fireworks without worrying about where they would land.  It also gave us the freedom to know that if the Neckersons started some drama up, we could always seal off their driveway.  Yes, they actually sold a piece of property that contains their driveway.  They’re just that intelligent folks!

You might remember a previous blog that I posted where I described how Gollumita Neckerson threatened to seal off our driveway.  You might remember how I posted pictures of the new driveway we had to construct due to her B.S.  Well, now it seems that the shoe is on the other foot.

So needless to say, we let freedom ring this 4th of July.  It’s been a long time coming, and family tradition has never been sweeter.  Somehow, we didn’t catch any crap from Gollumita over this year’s fireworks.  I guess she wants to keep her driveway.

Below is a video of some of the fireworks we got to shoot this year.  The 425 shot saturn missile battery at the end of the video was glorious!

Original post date June 17, 2009

First of all, this blog isn’t about veterinarian studies. It’s about animals and the lessons that we can learn by observing them. Many shamanic and tribal cultures throughout history have looked to the behaviors of various animals for guidance and insight regarding the world around them. These same lessons can still be learned today if one is willing to stay observant and open-minded.

Many people laugh at me when I try to talk with them about this. The truth is, you don’t have to believe in spiritual phenomenon to learn from animal medicine. You see, animals behave the way they do because they have evolved into their behaviors. Over many, many years, these animals have evolved into living examples of specific survival traits. All of their inborn behaviors are perfectly honed (through thousands of years natural selection) to accommodate the specific niches that they inhabit.

By studying the natural world around us, we can begin to understand certain types of dangers or problems that reoccur in this world and in our lives. By studying certain animals, and how they react to these occurrences, we can begin understand the best ways to deal with these problems. I guess you could refer to this process as psychoanalyzing the behavioral flows of the Gaian mind in order to identify and adopt the most effective survival traits and behaviors.

I know this sounds pretty vague and unsubstantiated, so I’ll offer an example that I think will help illustrate my point.

Let’s take a moment to contemplate squirrel medicine. I’ve been studying squirrel medicine for years. If you sit and watch squirrels for a while, you’ll notice that they don’t climb down one tree in order to get to the top of another tree. Instead, they jump from branch to branch between trees. By doing this, they save a lot of time and energy. They also manage to avoid the pitfalls (or predators) that may hamper (or kill) them if they attempt to start completely over (or climb the next tree from the bottom, up) in their daily tasks.

This behavior parallels many effective decisions involved in job searches and career strategies. It is always best to find a lateral avenue to follow with jobs instead of starting completely over in all aspects of employment. If the problems that plague your work day are viewed as the branches of a tree, many of them can be seen as opportunities that can be exploited to accomplish more goals, faster. The fact that squirrels are naturally driven to stockpile acorns makes them a very appropriate animal to study when dealing with job issues and finances.

Squirrels aren’t the only animals that we can learn from. Buzzards can teach us about recycling and the beneficial energies that result from death. Wolves can teach us many aspects of teamwork and survival. Butterfly medicine can teach us about stockpiling the resources that are necessary for life changes or physical rebirth, as well as the timeline by which to accomplish major change.

If you are interested in learning more about different aspects of animal medicine and if you like reading, you should check out Animal Speak by Ted Andrews. It’s a good introduction to the basics of what many different animals represent and the lessons that can be learned from them. Of course, there is no substitute for firsthand observation. The best way to learn from animals is to watch them and try to fully identify with the reality that they live in. If you maintain an open and observant mind, you may be surprised by what you learn.

If anyone is interested in this stuff, let me know. I might post a few blogs later that describe some different animals and the lessons that I’ve learned from them.